Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
