As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
