My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
