I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
