if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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