So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
