My hand turned me down
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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