When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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