Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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