Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
