John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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