I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
