you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
