Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
