Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
