Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
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Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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