Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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