I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
