i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She needs sedatives and a leash
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
