god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it's like iHOP with fire
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Are we still banned from the library?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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