so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
