I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
