If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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