Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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