If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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