Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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