My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
