toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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