I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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