I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
