It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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