the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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