It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
