Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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