how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
