She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
