Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
