Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
