my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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