Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
