Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
