she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize