oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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