My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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