Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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