WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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