a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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