so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
