I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
