I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
