I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
