i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
