dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
