I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
