I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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