I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
