You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Bring me that man meat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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