This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
