woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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