dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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