i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
