I'm going to rape someone's good day.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
