What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Couch. On fire.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
